Saving Santa/Transcript
Transcript MAN: A great pally once said, "Christmas is a day that holds all time together." I never really believed it before now. People take from Christmas their memories of happy times and sad, past, present and future. A moment on this one, special day could forever change how you see everything. BOY: Dear, Santa... I have a secret Christmas wish I know you know it well It's something that I want so much I cannot even tell If I believe with all my heart I know it can come true But if that never happens Still I'll always believe in you MAN: Sweet, eh? We'll get to that kid later. For me, my memories of Christmas will never be quite the same again. All I wanted to be was something else. Something better than I thought! was. This is my story. And it's all true. - My name is Bernard. (SNORING) And I'm an elf. (EXCLAIMS) (GROANS, MUTTERING) (SIGHS) Oh, no! Mint chocolate cookies, I slept in! Not today, not today! Oh, where the blinking...? Ah, there you are. (ALL EXCLAIMING) (GASPS) No pants! Wait! Wait up! (TRAIN WHISTLING) Wait up! Hold the train! Oh! (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Huh? (EXCLAIMS) (ALL GASP) Ah! Thanks! Merry Christmas! Excuse me, sorry! Excuse me, coming through! Excuse me! Excuse me! Oh, sorry! Morning, Blitz! (GRUNTS) MAN: Still no sign of the North Pole, Mr. Baddington. (GROWLING) Where are you, fat man? (ALL GASP) What are you staring at? Do something useful and get my mother on the com. (DOOR SLAMS) There will be no need for that. Mother, what a delightful surprise. You look even more radiant than ever. Luminous and brilliant, like a... a... newly-bloomed rose, shimmering with dew in the morning... That's enough bottom-snogging from you, boy. This is hardly a pleasure trip. Need I remind you that you have a shipping empire to run? Since you have taken the Quickest Airborne Delivery, the only thing you have managed to deliver is failure. Of course. It's still marvelous to finally have you here. Put a sock in it! Christmas Eve is the busiest day of the year for us, and here you are, chasing a mystical, flying elf! I'm here for the presentation. - Name. - Bernard D. Elf. - You're late! - I know, I'm sorry. My alarm clock was broken and I forgot my pants. (GASPS) Yeah, I'm wearing them now. - Down the hall, back... - Thanks! You're out of time. And voila! With my electrified chipmunk decoy, unwanted Christmas tree guests will be a thing of the past. One little nuzzle of the nose, and he'll... Good morning, everyone! (YELPING) Uh... Oops. Uh, sorry I'm a bit late. I'm sorry, Bernard, but you've missed your time slot. - Missed your time slot. - Please? I've been working all year on this invention. It's my best yet! Better than the mind eraser invention from last year? Santa sightings, unavoidable, right? Maybe. But what if we could erase them forever? (GASPING) Let's imagine that this toy doll is a little girl who's just seen Santa. Now, one quick zap... (ALL YELLING) Who are you and why are you wearing that ridiculous elf costume? - Hey, I'm wearing one, too. - Me, too. - We're all wearing them. - Where are we? WOMAN: Some kind of Christmas nightmare. WOMAN 2: What is Christmas? - It took us months to recover. - Months to recover. Poor Nutmeg still can't remember his own name sometimes. Isn't that right, Nutmeg? - See? BERNARD: - Please! I've worked on this all year long. MAN: - No. WOMAN: - Say no. Say no. MAN 2: - Don't do it. - You've got one minute. Thank you. (ALL GROANING) (CLEARS THROAT) Ask yourselves, what is the one thing Santa can't fit into his bag? The answer, of course, is... ...memories! Christmas memories, to be exact. Every year, millions are created, but where do they go? The get lost in our brains. And my machine locks on to our happiest Christmas memory and projects it right in front of us. Exactly what purpose does this serve? Raising people's Christmas spirits, of course. (CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT) I need a volunteer. (ALL SCREAMING) Ooh! I'm not going. Let go! (GRUNTS) Minty, thanks for volunteering. (WHIMPERS) Oooh. (BUZZING) (GASPS) Great Grand-elf's chocolate-chunk cookies! (GIGGLES) They were my favorite. - Oh! - Oh, this is great. (ALL CLAMORING) Don't be a cinnamon twist! (DEVICE HUMMING) My first Christmas kiss. Give me that! (CACKLING) Yes! Yee-haw! Ooh, this isn't so hard. (SPLUTTERING) Sir, please, careful. No, no, no, don't do that. Let me. No, no, no! No, not now! Oh, man! (ALL MURMURING) Ah! Back on. Just a small, uh, power surge. Can you believe those Christmas lights? (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) One goes out, they all go out. - That will be all, Bernard. - All, Bernard! But it worked. It worked, you saw... And merry Christmas to you. Yes, sir. Merry Christmas to you. And I'd better not see you back here with another one of your hare-brained inventions. (GRUNTING) Santech is only for the greatest elf minds, not... (INHALES) ...reindeer poop-scoopers. GUARD: Poor fellow. Poor fellow? He caused a blackout on Christmas Eve. Piece of junk. (ZAPPING) Ow! (GRUNTS) (DEVICE LANDS) (MAN GRUNTS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS, SNIFFS) Hi, Dasher, hi, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen... Hi, Comet, hi, Cupid. Hi... Donner, where's Blixen? (GIBBERISH) Ooh! (STRAINING) You're on my gingerbread basket! (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SIGHS) That thing still won't translate to English, eh? Oh, jingle bells, I can't do anything right. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) If you're asking how the presentation went, prepare to be underwhelmed. As usual, I'm a miserable failure. My Christmas memory machine knocked the power out in the room. So embarrassing. But I guess I'll just have to face the Christmas music. I'll never be one of Santa's trusty inventors. (GRUNTING) (DOOR OPENING) (CLEARING THROAT) Ah! Mr. Claus, I'm so sorry, sir. I'll get that right off. Ho, ho, ho! That's nothing! You fly around the world behind eight well-fed reindeer, as long as I have and... (GUFFAWS) ...and you get used to getting hit with a few warm brownies. Say, what's this nifty contraption? It's a reindeer vocalizer. (BROADCASTING GIBBERISH) You made this? How clever. It would be if I could get it to speak English. Merry Christmas, Blitzen. Are you ready to fly tonight? (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) See? (SANTA RESPONDING IN GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Works for me, I speak all languages. Ho, ho, ho! Put down the brush and come with me. There's something I want to show you. Do you know there are tens of millions of children who celebrate Christmas? Every year. When I started, there were only a few thousand. Ever heard how I do it? Well, just rumors, sir. I haven't been snooping, if that's what you mean, I swear, I don't go near the sleigh. Except to admire it, of course. And I found a cup holder, which is a nice feature, but I don't look at anything else, so... (CHUCKLES) I know. You're a good egg. Go on. How do you think I do it? Hmm? Well, uh... Some of the guys think you teleport. That theory isn't scientifically sound. Now, time travel, on the other hand... Oh, you're one clever little elf! (CHUCKLES) You know your stuff. (LAUGHS) Santech's very first invention: the Time Globe. Absolutely tip-top secret. It's what started it all. Heh. Wouldn't be able to keep up with my deliveries - if it weren't for this. - It's real! Amazing! Can I see? Ho, ho, no. No touching, now. This can also be very dangerous, lots of rules to follow. A very delicate thing, the fabric of time. Once something is done, it cannot be undone, only added to. Or if you were to interact with yourself: incredibly dangerous. Speaking one word to yourself would unravel our very... Well, we can go into that some other time I suppose. Santa, why are you telling me all of this? Because, uh... Well, because you remind me of the elf that invented this. (CHUCKLING) He was a lot like you. Though a bit older, if I remember. All the other elves gave him a lot of guff because he thought differently about everything, but... (CHUCKLES) But of course, that's what made him so very special. You think I could be like him one day? Mmm, I don't know. It all depends on you. Enough show and tell for now. You've got to finish getting my reindeer ready for tonight. Of course, Santa, I'm right on it. - Good. Don't give up. - I won't. Shoveling the reindeer poop, I mean. The team has to be ready by nightfall to be on schedule. Oh, yeah, that's what I meant. Merry Christmas. You hear that, Blitzen? I remind Santa of a great inventor. And if he sees something great in me, then... Well... maybe I can be great one day. Sure, now I'm an ordinary elf Doing ordinary things That other ordinary elves refuse to do Like scooping up the reindeer... You know what I do But I, one day I'll fly up on his sleigh Going up, up and away And all the other elves will say "Hey look" (SINGS GIBBERISH) "There he goes again What a wonderful guy - How did he get to be - Ooh The elf he is today?" That's when the future me - Will turn to them and say ALL: - Ooh Even a flea has prospects Even a skunk has flair Even a reindeer with a sleigh in tow Can beat a crow in the air So even that crow has prospects Shouldn't an elf like me Never give up till you're up Where you want to be (ALL HUMMING) So if you keep on trying Someone soon will see You're not really a mouse, you're a lion Roar! You can rely on me Even a snake has prospects Even a swan can bite Even a tiny spider spins a web That will hold you good and tight So if everyone else has prospects Wouldn't you all agree? Whether you're two legs or four legs Eight legs or more legs Never give up till you're up (EXCLAIMING) Never give up when you're down Never give up till your up Where you want to be (PEOPLE YELLING) (HELICOPTERS THUNDERING) (ANGRY SHOUTING) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) (GASPS) (GASPS) (SHOUTING CONTINUES) (CACKLING) Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas without complete chaos and utter panic. (INHALES DEEPLY) Do you smell that? Cookies? Hot cocoa? Hmm, well you can smell those things, too. But the more palpable odor is that of vindication. After years of searching, the secrets of Santa's sleigh will be mine. Look! A Pancake Palace! - I should... - We should... ...definitely check that out. Probably a lot of secrets in there. There'll be plenty of time for pancakes later. First, find the sleigh. It is, after all, what we're here for. I want to know how a man that big gets around the world in one night. Find that sleigh! Let's start in the Pancake Palace. Good call. (BOTH LAUGHING) (SNEEZES) (GASPS) (GASPS) (GROWLING) - Why, you little... MAN: - Yeah, where's the sleigh? SANTA: You two are not being very good this year. (BOTH GRUNTING) (GROANING) Kris Kringle. (CACKLES) Can I call you Kris? Let's have a chat in that quaint workshop of yours. We've so much to discuss. (GRUNTING) Help! Blitz, we're under attack! (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) They're after the Time Globe. We've gotta hide it! (CRASHING AGAINST DOOR) (GASPING) They're here! (GRUNTING) (REINDEER CHATTERING) Fine time to have a chat. You want to help, maybe? (CRASH) They're coming! Oh, I just wish I had time to think. I just wish I... had... time. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Not now, I'm thinking. (EXCLAIMS) (GRUNTS) More time? The Time Globe! I can go back and warn Santa. Blitz, you're a genius! (SMACKS) Were you eating pancakes? - Move it in! MAN 2: - They're here! MAN: Go, go, go! Where the elf is it? MAN: Spread out. You check that side. MAN 2: - We're clear. MAN: - Got anything? MAN 3: - Where is it? - Yes! - There! - Get it! (GIVES COMMAND) (GRUNTING) A twist here and a pop there. Where do they keep the directions? (GROANING) Come on, come on! (EXCLAIMING) Why won't you work? (EXCLAIMING) He's activated the sleigh! I have? How did I do that? - Get him! - Move it out! (ALL YELLING) (DEVICE THRUMMING) (MEN SCREAMING) (REINDEER SNORING) (FOOT SQUISHES) (GASPS) (SNIFFS) Oh, come on, I just cleaned up in here. (BLITZEN SNORING LOUDLY) (GROANING) (WHISPERING) Hey. Hey, Blitz. Wake up. (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Listen to me. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I've traveled back in time. (SIGHS) Would you wake up? This is serious! This big, scary man drops out of the sky, the North Pole is invaded, they start rounding up elves, all of these lights shine down and everything and... There was this girl who saved me, and... You don't believe me, do you? (SIGHS) (GRUNTING) Come on! Wait. Wait, I can... I can prove it. I can show you that I traveled back in time. Come with me. (GRUMBLING) (COMPLAINING IN GIBBERISH) (SNORING LOUDLY) (GASPS) I told you. You're looking at the world's first time-traveling elf. With the world's most obnoxious snore. Now, listen. It won't be long before those guys get here. We have to warn Santa and the others. Are you with me? Good boy! Here. (SNIFFS) Excuse you. You don't eat it, you just smell it. Now, get a good sniff. (SNIFFING) Smells just like Santa, doesn't it? Got it? (PANTING) Good. Now, go find him. (SNIFFING) What is it, Blitz? (EXCLAIMING IN GIBBERISH) The Pancake Palace. We're looking for Santa, not breakfast. (GIBBERISH) Santa does love pancakes. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Welcome to the Pancake Palace. Try our streusel, butterscotch chip and caramel-filled buttermilk flapjacks, topped with powdered sugar, whipped cream and crushed candy canes. Or try the Santa special, steaming hot cocoa pancakes topped with... No, we can't eat pancakes at a time like this. We need to find Santa. This isn't working. I'm too short to see everywhere. I need a higher vantage point. Ah. Hold it steady, Blitz. Uh, everyone, can I have your attention? (CHATTERING CEASES) Good, hi. I have urgent news. We don't have much time. There are people coming, outsiders, from, um... ...the outside. I don't know who they are, exactly, but they want to capture Santa and steal his sleigh. Well, not the sleigh, itself, but there are secrets held... Gumdrop, this is Sugar Plum. We've got a crazy on our hands. You got eyes on Big Red? - I'm on him. - How does it look out there? Not a creature is stirring. Not even a mouse. Welcome to the Pancake Palace... WOMAN: - Hi, Santa - Santa! WOMAN: It's Santa! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) BERNARD: Listen to me! Santa! Blitz, it's... Oh, you are unbelievable! Santa! (GRUNTING) Santa! They're coming to get you, Santa, you're in danger! Santa! (GRUNTING) Lump of coal in the stocking. Threat neutralized. Nice tackle, partner. (GRUNTING) You! You're the one who... Take this marshmallow head back to base for questioning. (GRUNTING, MUFFLED) (MUFFLED YELLING) You're making a big mistake! I need to warn Santa. Someone's coming and they're after the Time Globe! Let me go! Santa! (GASPS) (PEOPLE CLAMORING) MAN: Santa, sir. Your beard stylist had to cancel. He has the chimney flu. Would you like me to reschedule? Blitz, over here! Listen, you have to find the other me. I should be on my way to Santech for the presentation right now. You have to convince me to warn everybody about the invasion. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) I don't know what that means. But do whatever it takes. Do you understand? Stop me and get me to listen to you no matter what! This is more important than the presentation. Santa is in real danger! BERNARD 1: Excuse me. Coming through! BERNARD 2: - There I am! - Oh, sorry! Go, go! (GROANING) (GASPS) Where am I? The Christmas Defense Department. The Christmas De-who and the what now? You know how Santa knows when you are sleeping? And knows when you're awake? That's us! I'm Agent Snowy and you, little elf, have a lot of explaining to do. Well, I know what this looks like. But there is a perfectly logical explanation. - I'm listening. - First off, I'm from the future. Just to put that out there. I believe him. (GASPS) I'm being the good cop. Agent Shortbread! Do you have his naughty or nice record up yet? Just one second. (COMPUTERS HUMMING) Let's see... Bernard D. Elf. Hmm. Height: three feet. Favorite candy: gumdrops. Occupation... poop-shoveler. (CLEARS THROAT) Director of Droppings. - Excuse me? - I prefer "Director of Droppings." "Disposal Administrator." I am a professional, after all. This one's a real piece of work. - Claims to be from the future. - Uh, everyone, can I... (SHORTBREAD) Something about a Time Globe. If there were such a thing as a time travel globe, which we cannot confirm or deny the existence of, how would you know of its existence? If it were to exist. Hmm?! That is the most confusing question I've ever heard. Answer it! (SIGHS) - Santa showed me. - Would Santa confirm that he showed you the Time Globe? He hasn't shown me it yet. He showed it to me after I caused the blackout in the Santech building. (LAUGHING) Oh, this just keeps getting better! And when, exactly, does that happen? Hmm? (ALARM BLARING) - What's going on? - Any minute now. We've got a problem. We've got no power anywhere. The cloaking device is down. Were exposed! I need more power! Sir, I think the equipment is malfunctioning. - I'm... I'm getting a blop. - You mean a blip? No, sir, it's a blop. It's far too large to be a blip. Put it onscreen for Mommy. Mommy, there it is! The North Pole! Let me see. What are you talking about? I don't see any North Pole. What? Impossible. (SARCASTIC LAUGH) Oh, look. Nothing! No workshop. No sleigh. No secrets. More failure? (SHEEPISH LAUGH) (BOTH GASP) If you do not have Santa's sleigh by midnight tonight, you are cut off! (GASPS) You'll be living on a deserted island when I'm through with you. Is that clear? I will find it, Mommy. And all of the secrets it holds. Then QAD will truly be the quickest package delivery service... ...in the world. Find that blip. That... That thing that we saw on the radar. Take me there now! Whoa! (POWER GRID HUMMING) It's working. Power is restored to the hologram. - Were we seen? - It's too early to tell. Looks like you were right, Bernard. Bernard? He's getting away! Hold it right there! (BOTH GRUNTING) (ALARM BLARING) Don't let him get away! (GUMDROP) Get back here! Which way did he go? (MAN SNIFFING) Cookie breath! He went that way! (ELEVATOR BUTTONS DINGING) - What the...? - Hah! Found you! Get him! (GRUNTING) Get over here, you little... (ALL STRAINING) (GRUNTING) COMPUTER VOICE: Welcome to the Mail-evator. (CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING) (BUZZING) COMPUTER: Elevator out of service. (BUZZING) COMPUTER: Elevator operational. (YELLS) (RUMBLING) (HOLLERING) (MUSIC FALTERS, STOPS) (GROANING) And I'd better not see you back here with another one of your hare-brained inventions. (GRUNTING) Santech is only for the greatest elf minds, not... (INHALES) ...reindeer poop-scoopers. GUARD: Poor fellow. Poor fellow? He caused a blackout on Christmas Eve. It was me. Piece of junk! (ZAPPING) Ow! (GRUNTS) (DEVICE LANDS) (MAN GRUNTS) They found the North Pole because of me. (SIGHS) What kind of an elf Runs away to sulk When he's not the best? Who bumbles along Wearing last night's dinner on his vest? Insists that he's smart When all other elves declare he's dim? A kind of an elf like him Head in the clouds, Bernard Heart on the floor Best to go back to the place you belong Back where you were before Time to regroup, Bernard Time to repair Time to go back to the poop And the shoveling scoop And that whiff in the air That's where the future me Will turn to them and say - Even a flea - What kind of an elf Doesn't realize when the world's gone wrong Who flounders around like a dying fish - To a silly song - And even that crow You're best to rely on an elf - Like me - Like me - Never give up - Which is who that elf Aspires to be What kind of an elf Doesn't shy away from a mucky task? What kind of an elf Answers "Yes!" no matter what you ask What kind of an elf Has the wherewithal to put this right An elf who'll fight and never flee A kind of an elf like me Mr. Baddington? There's nothing here. Oh, it's here, all right. We're directly above the coordinates. We would see it, don't you think? Oh, of course. Silly-billy me. Clearly, there is nothing there. I mean, any rational person would see that there is nothing beneath us but a bunch of mountains and snow. And not a clever facade masking Santa's workshop. Surely not. Only a madman would think we'll surely crash and explode into fiery bits and pieces if we flew straight down... (YELLING) Aha! Merry Christmas to me! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) (ANGRY SHOUTING) (GASPS) Excuse me! Excuse me, coming through! (GASPS) (NEVILLE CACKLING) Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas without complete chaos and utter panic. (INHALES DEEPLY) Do you smell that? MAN: Cookies? Hot cocoa? Hmm, well you can smell those things, too. But the more palpable odor is that of vindication. - Sorry! - Hey! NEVILLE: There'll be plenty of time for pancakes later. First, find the sleigh! MAN: Come on! Give it up! (GASPS) Where's the sleigh, round boy? Yeah! Where's the sleigh? SANTA: You two are not being very good this year. (GROANING) (CACKLING) (NEVILLE CONTINUING, INDISTINCT) (NEVILLE, THROUGH DOOR) We've so much to discuss. We have something in common, you and I. We're both in the delivery business. But unlike some lazy-pants jelly-bellied holiday showboats, we operate 365 days a year. It's hard to believe, but once upon a time, Christmas was my favorite holiday. Singing carols, eating fresh cookies... Oh, the memories. You know, that for years, I looked up to you? I wanted to be just... like... you. You were such a good boy. What happened to you? Hah! All-knowing, are we? Clearly not. What happened? I grew up. I saw through your phony generosity, giving your worthless toys away, keeping naive children drunk with sugary sweets, while you keep all of the good stuff to yourself! I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, no? How do you make it all around the world in one night? Huh? Or fit all of those presents into one bag? Huh? Huh? How do you fly? How do you live forever? Huh? Huh? Huh? - Stop that! - Sorry, sir. Every year, I wrote to you, asking for the answers, And all you ever gave me were toys. This Christmas, I will have my Christmas wish! I will give the secrets of your sleigh to my mother, and Quickest Airborne Delivery will be, at last, the fastest delivery service on Earth! (RADIO SQUAWKING) Neville! Pick up, you moon-faced feather-brain! Excuse me, I have a business, uh... A foreign dignitary client important person. - That needs my... - Neville! Pick up the radio, you dunder-headed dolt! Oh, hello, Mommy. Good news. I found Santa's workshop. Have you, now? (BERNARD WHISPERING) Santa! Santa, it's me, Bernard. Bernard! (CHUCKLES) Clever disguise. Do you think you can get us out of here? He's after the Time Globe. I have a better idea. I think I know a way to stop him, but I'm gonna have to go back in time. Again. Bernard! Be careful! I told you. You can't undo the past. - Only add to it. - I have to try. If I can stop myself from making it to the presentation, I can... Who are you talking to? Ow! I see with that thing! - How do you like it? - Ow! I... Little... (ALL SHOUTING) Come here, you! Gotcha! (SIGHS) Great. Dead end. (DOLL SQUEAKS) (GUN BEEPS) (SAGS) Come out, little elf. There's nowhere to run. And you wouldn't get very far on those stubby little legs of yours. Ah. Don't mind if I do. (ENGINE ROARS) What's that sound? (HORN TOOTS) I'm going back, Santa! If I can destroy the memory device, I can stop the presentation! Good luck, Bernard! (GRUNTS) Don't move, Beardy. (EXCLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GIGGLING) Get that elf! (BOTH YELL) (GASPS) (GASPS) (YELLING) Snow long! (CHUCKLING) (YELLING) They're coming! (YELLING) Come here! - Move it in! - Here, here! - Go, go, go! - Yes! Come on, Bernard, just a few more seconds! (ISSUING COMMAND) (GRUNTING) Deck the halls, I made it! (YELLING) (GRUNTS) What did you do that for? MAN: He's activated the sleigh! OTHER BERNARD: I have? How did I do that? (YELPS) - Get it! - Follow me! (ALL CLAMORING) (YELLING) Oh, my whole life and I had to repeat this day three times. (WHISPERING) Watch out for the... (SQUISH) Oh, come on, I just cleaned up in here. Well, duh, you went back in time. (SNORING LOUDLY) Nah, too loud. (ALARM CLANGING) OTHER BERNARD: What are you doing here? I expressly ordered nine ladies dancing. (RESUMES SNORING) (GASPS) I told you. You're looking at the world's first time-traveling elf. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Excuse you! You don't eat it, you just... (EXCLAIMING) (THUMP) (SLEEPY MUTTERING) Oh no! Mint chocolate cookies, I slept in! Not today, not today! Oh, where the blinking...? Ah, there you are. (GASPS) Oh, now I'll never stop the presentation! (ALL EXCLAIMING) (GASPS) No pants! No pants! (YELPS) (GASPS) - Huh? - Huh? (PANTING) I've got a presentation to stop. If I could just get there first! Ooh, this is gonna sting! (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Wait! Wait up! Wait up! Hold the train! Ooh! Oh, sorry! (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) (GASPS) (GRUNTS) That way! Ooh! Morning, Blitz! (BERNARD GROANS) Ow! (INQUISITIVE GIBBERISH) How long have I been out? Oh, great! It happened again! Ow! What'd you do that for, anyway? Jumping on me like that. Have you lost your mind? (GIBBERISH) (LAUGHS) Me? It was my fault? You are ridiculous. BERNARD 2: Listen, you have to find the other me. Stop me and get me to listen to you, no matter what! It was my fault. You just got the wrong "me." (SIGHS) What's the point of having a time machine if you can't go back and prevent things from happening? (POWER GRID HUMMING) Hah! There are the lights! Brilliant! Disaster is right on schedule! (SIGHS) (INQUISITIVE GIBBERISH) Oh, just leave me alone, would you? You should stay away. As far away from me as possible, if you know what's good for you. Just go back to the stables before I mess everything up for you, too. Can't you see what a muck-up I am? Go... Go on, Blitz. Go on, will you? Go! MAN: Santech is only for the greatest elf minds, not... (INHALES) ...reindeer poop-scoopers. Could this day get any worse? (ZAPPING) BERNARD 1: Ow! (BERNARD 1 GRUNTS) SNOWY: Wake up, Bernard! (GASPS) (GRUNTING) Thought you could get away, did you? Well, Bernard, if you are indeed innocent, how do you explain this? Huh? We found this outside Santech. We believe that you intentionally caused the blackout that disabled the cloaking hologram! (SIGHS) I'm not the one you should be worried about. Neville Baddington. He's the one you should be worried about. - Who's that? - Neville Baddington. Height: six foot one. Weight: blah, blah, blah. Oh, here we go! Heir to the Quickest Airborne Delivery empire. (FANFARE PLAYS) WOMAN ON SCREEN: Globe-trotting millionaire and all-around eccentric heir to the Quickest Airborne delivery service, Neville Baddington claims "I can find Santa Claus." (SIGHS) WOMAN: You heard it right, folks. This particular purveyor of parcels looks to unlock the secrets of Santa's speedy sleigh. NEVILLE ON SCREEN: I've been documenting him for years. I have photographic proof here, here and here. - Hmm? - That's him. He wants to learn how Santa travels round the world in one night (BUZZING) - (GASPS) Sir! I think we've got a blip! A blip? Uh, I think it looks more like a blop. NEVILLE: Oh, of course! Silly-billy me. Clearly, there is nothing there. I mean, any rational person would see that there is nothing beneath us but a bunch of mountains and snow. And not a clever facade masking Santa's workshop. Surely not. Only a madman would think we will surely crash and explode into fiery bits and pieces if we flew straight down... (YELLING) (KLAXON SOUNDING) Sir, someone has breached the hologram! Put it onscreen. It's an invasion. Everybody panic! Don't we have a plan for this? For an invasion of the North Pole? Who plans for that? - Run! - Hide! (ALL YELLING) Out of my way! Out of my way! Bernard! You must know some way we can stop Neville Baddington. You can't. I've tried everything! Three times! What's gotten into you? Earlier, you were so desperate to save Santa. And now you just don't care? I've failed. There's nothing I can do. He's going to invade. (GASPS) I'm sorry. It's like Santa said, once something is done, it can't be undone. (SIGHS) I'm no hero. I'm just a poop-scooper. Say you've got another shot At saving Christmas Eve in you These other elves They don't know where to turn Take a good long look at me 'Cause somehow I believe in you That kind of elf belief you have to earn So stop and think 'Cause you know what's in store An elf with that much vision Is an elf we're fighting for But before I do the big hard sell for you I need to know what kind of elf are you Sink or swim Do or die Make this stand Or stand by When everyone around you wants to run and hide It's time to decide What kind of elf you want to be You've got brains I know you have You've brains enough for two in there So come up with a plan to save the day Think back over everything There has to be a clue in there You find it and we're with you all the way So stop and think of the children big and small 'Cause a Christmas without Santa Doesn't sound much fun at all Sink or swim Do or die Worth a shot Worth a try When everyone around you wants to run and hide It's time to decide What kind of elf... Look, if you say that you trust me Then, OK I'll trust you too - As long as children - As long as children - Believe in Santa - Believe Then I won't give up on you WOMAN ON SCREEN: Is it true your mother is the real CEO of QAD? Excellent question. Let me think. Get over here, you pesky, little good-for-nothing! WOMAN: Well, someone seems to have lost their Christmas spirit. Holy eggnog, that's it! He has Christmas spirit. But it's lost in his brain! - Oh. - I know how to stop Neville. (PEOPLE CLAMORING) Quiet down! Calm down, everyone. I've got it! This memory machine caused it, and it can end it. But I need help fixing it. Who's with me? (GASPING) (EXCLAIMING) - So stop - Stop! I can put this right I swear to you I'll have the big man flying high tonight Sink or swim Do or die Rally round or say goodbye Each one of you's a hero if you only knew So who's on my crew? I need you and you and you and you Sink or swim Do or die Whata team You and you and you and I When everyone around you wants to run and hide It's time to decide What kind of elf you want to be Are you an oaf like that? Or an elf like me? (PEOPLE SHOUTING) BERNARD: Quickly! We have to get to the sleigh before Neville does. The coast is clear. Move! Secure the front door. Go, go, go! Hurry everyone! Blend in! MAN: Nothing here. (GASPS) Here he comes. MAN: You two, stop right where you are! Nobody move! (EXCLAIMS) Pucker up, lass. (CHUCKLES) (GIGGLES) Shh! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) MAN: Run this way, you two! Now, now, now! (CACKLING) Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas without complete chaos and utter panic. (INHALES DEEPLY) Do you smell that? I don't think this is going to work. There's too many of them. And, frankly, too many of me. You're right. The only way around this is to jump from the roof. Really? The only way? No way. No roof! (GRUNTING) No! I'm a delicate snowflake. - Hey! - Sorry! NEVILLE: I want to know how a man that big gets around the world in one night! Find that sleigh! MAN: Let's start in the Pancake Palace. MAN 2: Good call. (SNEEZES) (GASPS) (GASPS) - Why, you little... MAN: - Yeah! Where's the sleigh? SANTA: You two are not being very good this year. (GROANS) Santa! (GRUNTING) (BERNARD STAMMERING) That really is high. Step aside, please. Hmm... (WHIRRING, BEEPING) There we go. How much do you weigh? Fifty... Uh, forty-two... one... ish. That should hold. Probably. OK, let's do this! (YELLING) ( ASHLEY TISDALE: "SOME KIND OF MIRACLE") Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! No, not now! (YELLING) (GASPS) (GRUNTS) Oh, poo! (ALL GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS) (GASPS) (YELLING) Hold on, I've got you! - Good luck! - Thanks! (ALL GROANING) Are you sure he's just a poo-shoveler? (EXCLAIMING) How do I stop this thing? (YELLING) Ooh! (DOOR RATTLES) (GRUNTING GROANING) I guess that was the only way. MAN: Follow me! (GASPS) Right here! (CAR APPROACHING) (YELPS) A fine time to have a chat. You want to help, maybe? (TIRES SCREECH) (DOOR THUMPS) BERNARD 1: They're coming! Oh, I just wish I had time to think. I just wish I had time. (BLIXEN SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Not now, I'm thinking. (GRUNTS) More time. The Time Globe. I could go back and warn Santa. Blitz, you're a genius! (GROANS) BERNARD 1: Were you eating pancakes? (GRUNTING) - Move it in! - They're here! Go, go, go! BERNARD 1: Oh, where the elf is it? Spread out. You check that side. We're clear! Yes! - There! - Get him! (ISSUES COMMAND) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (YELLING) (YELLING) (EXCLAIMS) What did you do that for? MAN: He's activated the sleigh! - Get it! - Follow me! Don't move! (BOTH SCREAMING) (ALL GROANING) What is this? I turn my back for two seconds and you're having a little nap. Hey! Stop that elf! You! Yes, you, you tick-infested nitwit. Pull the sleigh outside. I want everybody to see my triumph! (ALL GASPING) NEVILLE: Witness, all of you! Santa's sleigh and all its secrets, beneath my icy boots. Neville Baddington. CEO and majority stockholder in the world's soon-to-be-biggest... Nay, only package delivery mega corporation! You can almost hear the "whoosh" of packages whizzing around the world at the speed of Santa, 365 days a year! Hah! And mother, if her tear ducts do, in fact, exist, tears of pride will stream down her sweet, prunish cheeks, as she embraces me with her jagged, bony frame. "Good job, Neville," she'll whisper. As of this moment, Christmas is outsourced! "Dear Neville, what I want for Christmas is to be able to go back in time and tell you the secrets of the North Pole. Love, Santa." "Dear, Santa, Too late!" BERNARD: Actually, it's not too late. Who said that? BERNARD: Me, sir. And you are...? I'm... I'm the, um... ...chief inventor for Santech. (CLEARING THROAT) Put him down. (GRUNTS, GROANS) Chief inventor, are we? Then you are familiar with the secrets of this sleigh? Yes, sir. If I promised to show you... Huh? ...would you release Santa? I would be inclined. Uh, may I? (GRUNTING) A little help, please? I'm vertically challenged. Oh! The question on everybody's mind, on your mind, your whole life, was "How does he do it?" How does one man make it around the entire world in one night? Especially for someone like you, who delivers packages all year round. The answer? Time travel! (ALL GASPING) Time travel? Time travel? This is more fascinating than I thought. Mother will be pleased. But... there are rules. Do I look like someone who concerns himself with rules? Then let's skip those and get to the good stuff, shall we? I'm gonna need a volunteer. - Me! Me! - You're fired. Aww. Me! Me! - You? - Oh, yes please. OK, Neville, I'm just gonna need you to place your hand here. Then... hope for a Christmas miracle. Oooh... Feels time-travel-y. Hold on. That's my old home. That's me. As a young boy. YOUNG NEVILLE: Dear, Santa. I have a secret Christmas wish I know you know it well It's something that! want so much I cannot even tell If I believe with all my heart I know it can come true But if that never happens Still I'll always believe In you Someone was listening Someone was there While you were whispering Your dreams to the air Someone was watching you And someone can say Your hopes and your dreams aren't forgotten They might just all come true today - Someone is listening - I have a secret - Someone is there - Christmas wish... - While you are whispering - Something that! want so much - To the air - I cannot even tell Someone is watching you And someone can say Your hopes and your dreams aren't forgotten They might just all come true today Because you believe I'm happy to say Your hopes and your dreams aren't forgotten And when one day that happens They might just all come true today Mother. MOTHER: Neville? Your time is up. Mother, what are you doing here? You're not the only one that can follow a bleeping blop. Of course. Merry Christmas. Don't you "Merry Christmas" me. If this were a merry Christmas, I would be poolside, getting a rubdown from a muscular, Latin cabana boy. Not freezing to death while my idiot son wastes my time and fortune looking for.. for... Oh, my! Is this...? Indeed it is, Mommy. Santa's sleigh, right here beneath... Beneath your icy boots, yes, yes. I've heard you rehearse that drivel in the bathroom a million times. Though, I must congratulate you. For once, you've delivered. So, you're... proud of me? I'm not disappointed, if that's what you mean. After all, you're finally following in my footsteps and putting profits over people. (CACKLES) All of our aircraft will be redesigned to these specifications. Rudders and all. St. Nick and his band of munchkins will be obsolete when our fleet of sleighs takes to the sky. (CACKLES) Next Christmas, we'll be cashing in on every Christmas wish. And this place, it will make a wonderful theme park. Or perhaps a meat locker. Instead of "Ho, ho, ho," they'll all be crying, "Boo, hoo, hoo!" (CACKLING) Load up that sleigh and whatever else you can find and bring it back to the base. The sooner we're out of this candy cane nightmare, the better. NEVILLE: No. What? I... I said... I won't do it! Santa's sleigh will remain here, where it belongs. MOTHER: What? Why, you ungrateful, you insolent little... How dare you disobey me? You're through, do you hear me? The mind eraser? - Good boy! MOTHER: - I'll see to it you don't get a whiff of your inheritance Not a penny! You'll be delivering crates of rubber ducks to Siberia by the time I'm through with you! I'll have that sleigh stripped of its secrets and sold for scrap. Mother, I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, we don't need the sleigh. We've got its secret right here. Give it to me! It's amazing! It's extraordinary! What does it do? Turn it on and see for yourself. (GASPING) (SHRIEKS) Where... Where am I? Uh... Your retirement party, Mommy! Congratulations on so many glorious years of dedicated service. Oh, yes, my retirement party. How silly of me. Will someone please take Mommy back to the base? Who are you adorable little children? I seem to have lost my cabana boy. Santa, I'm so sorry for everything I've done. And you, little elf, thank you for giving me back my Christmas spirit. Merry Christmas, Neville. Merry Christmas. Release everyone! We're going home for Christmas! (ALL CHEERING) - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! (ALL CLAMORING) (GRUNTING) So you're a Director of Droppings, an inventor, a time traveler, and an action hero? What can't you do? (GASPS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) WOMAN: Good luck, Santa! BOY: Take care, Santa! Everything is set for takeoff, Santa. Not everything. Now we have everything. - We'd better get going. - We? If you're gonna be one of my Santech inventors, you need to see this baby in action, don't you think? Me? A Santech inventor? You mean...? I don't know how to thank you. No need. You're going to do great things, Bernard. This was just the first of them. Ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to you, Bernard. Oh, can I geta hug, too? We are go for takeoff! (WHISTLES) Ho, ho, ho! Hang on! This thing has a time machine on it but no seat belt? (LAUGHING) Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night! BERNARD: The present becomes the past, every second of every day. (SNORING) But if we hold Christmas in our hearts, we have the power to turn back time itself. ( ASHLEY TISDALE: "SOME KIND OF MIRACLE") Category:Transcripts Category:The Weinstein Company Transcripts